Try this. Go on. Get an Apple company phone number from the yellow pages, in any country you
like, give them a ring and tell them you're a teacher who wants to introduce computers, especially Macs, into your school. Any sort of school, it doesn't matter.
"Hi, I'm Wally. I'm a French/History/Science/Languages teacher at Snerdsville High Junior /Primary /Special/ School. Can you give me some help about introducing computers in my school."
Sounds simple, right?
Fancy a gamble?
I'll bet you 5 Euro's you'll only get as far as the receptionist. (Sorry about this, but to help read this rant you've got to have some essential background info about waiting tapes and databases.)
First, the muzak. The competence of any Apple office can be accurately gauged by the coolness
of the waiting music you are forced to listen to.
Now the FileMaker bit. A question: How do you sort your customer database?
Got one? Know how to sort records? Of course you do. Try dividing entries in your database into descriptive categories, not names. My customer contact database reads "twaddle merchant" and "complete pillock" alongside "Jimmy" and "Anna". Just add a 'sort by' item to your
database, you can subdivide sections; 'hate this guy' 'bunch of tossers' 'pay later here!' by adding another digit, aah hell work it out yourself, it's very revealing...
Anyway, my favourite category is 'Waiting music 1-10' Level 1 is real muzak, ghastly door-chime sounds. "Mantovani's tribute to Sir Cliff..." Level 7 is Apple Sao Paolo who often have Gilberto Gil, who I rather like, but he ain't a 10. (Muddy Waters if you must know...)
For a while Apple München had some rather nice baroque music, but they've exchanged the loop tape for a local radio station, so one has the surreal experience of listening to crackly Bavarian language traffic warnings and Bonnie Tyler. (Remember her? No? Lucky you). What a privilege to be kept waiting, international call, middle of the day, for Herr or Frau Schnerd or whoever's got the job this month, whose secretary interrupts the Autobahnstaufünfkilometer story to tell you that they are on a course with a customer, in a meeting, .... the usual bullshit.
Put the phone down, go to the customer database, look up Apple Germany, go to the category 'idle Kraut tosser'. Check Herr/Frau Schnerd box. In your category 'waiting tapes1-10, give Apple München a 3 rather than a 1. Why a 3? For weirdness. Someone may have DESIGNED the Autobahn traffic reports that way, after all, which is pretty cool.
See the connection between tapes and databases? If you want cool and chic incompetence try giving Apple HQ France a listen, sometimes some good tapes on there, very retro ....
Anyway, where were we....? Remember the original question? "Hi, I'm Fred. I"m a French/History/Science teacher at ...Can you give me some help about introducing computers at my school." I'll bet you another 5 Euro's that it will take you more than 10 phone calls to get through to someone at Apple who doesn't pass you on to someone else.
If you do end up with a 'contact', then I'll bet you another 5 Euro's the Apple 'contact' person doesn't speak your language as a mother language. If you're French, you'll get an Englishman. I'll bet you 25 Euro's (25 Euro's is quite a lot, I think, I'd better be careful here...) you can't get an Apple salesman to come to your school. Apple don't seem to employ women other than receptionists, or am I completely wrong here? Never met one myself.
"We get requests like that every day" was the reply from Apple Benelux. "We can't go around sponsoring every school that wants some cheap hardware".
Apple France. "No we don't have any department that deals with distance learning."
Apple UK. "No, we don't have anyone who deals with teacher training."
Apple Germany. "Well, if you're not a reseller we can't talk to you". (Eh?)
Apple UK. 'We can't give you information, sell you hardware, advise you on software, sponsor or assist you, provide any demonstration or try-out hardware or software, we can't do anything at all."
Apple Benelux again. Great stuff, you chaps. Well done. I can tell you've been on all the best marketing courses. Potential customers phone up every day pleading for help, and you tell them
to sod off. Woz woz right. The only interesting thing about a computer is the user.
Anyway. If, after months of persistent telephoning, faxing, e-mails, and carrier pigeon missives, you get a 'deal', and a deal here means that you're being allowed to spend cash on Apple hardware, I'll bet a used Powerbook against a pound of Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee that;
- the hardware will be delivered late
- to the wrong address
- with inappropriate or faulty documentation, in the wrong language
- your hardware will always arrive with the wrong language keyboard (If you ordered a German, you'll get a French one, try getting hold of a dozen French keyboards for any type of laptop if you live in England. German layout if you live in Holland. Go on, have a go. I think I'd put 1000 Euro's on that one.
- without the correct system software (ditto)
- without essential peripherals such as a power cable. (And here it's hats off to Apple Brazil who supplied me with a G3 laptop cable within 24 hours, free, Apple UK having forgotten to include one and Apple Benelux refusing to sell me one..! Nice one you guys.)
- if secondhand, the hardware will not have been cleaned, serviced, or been zapped. Of course as we all know this is a handy way to get software, but that's not the point. $20 in a brown paper envelope will guarantee that I don't reveal which Apple Europe department regularly distributes
ex-demonstration equipment containing thousands of dollars worth of advanced software, customer databases, confidential memos, (who's for the chop next 'reorganization' and financial details....Heh-heh..I'm beginning to enjoy this..
- at least 15% of the computers won't work out of the box, so ...
- you will have to ship the defective computers back at your cost to an Apple-nominated dealer.
-who, if you're lucky, might have a qualified technician
-no-one will offer replacement hardware, or sympathy, or help in any shape or form. Do you expect or receive this treatment from your car dealer? Do you bollocks.
"Right sir, your Mondeo might be ready next week. You what? A firm commitment? Naaah ...give us a ring next week sometime. Lucky we could squeeze you in, mate."
You'll develop a friendly relationship with the DHL /FedEx chaps, who get to know you. In fact that for me is really the worst moment of being involved with Apple, the snapshot when I'm standing out in pain in the rain in my office slippers signing for yet another Powerbook being returned yet again.
"And hello again how are you sir today, here's another package for you sign here please"
Yeah right. Sign here to pay money. My money. That I should be keeping. It's my money, not a dealer's. Or Apple's money, or DHL, or the bookkeeper I pay to keep track of all this money-go-round. IT'S MY MONEY. GEDDIT?
The cretinous fools who run Apple are turning me away from the only piece of hardware I consent to being seen in Public with.. I feel bedraggled, somehow useless, in need of a punch bag, resentful. I can't help it, but I do.
I'm so resentful that a sharp Compaq salesmen I met recently was inclined to buy me dinner, ( I mean I'm personally responsible for buying two hundred grand's worth of hardware every year, cash. You'd buy me a burger if you were a Compaq salesman wouldn't you) and lend me (free) a shiny new laptop for several months to impress my customers ....well would you believe it now he's offered me on demo 20 used laptops he could get his hands on, fine thanks a lot, great, plus of course they'll come preinstalled with whatever I want, German keyboards no worries sir like
this one......oh yes sir first thing we learn at Compaq, the customer is often wrong, but we still listen to them. After all, they use our hardware to make a living. We think firms in your field are the future sir, and we're here to support you."
"Well excuse me while I remove your nose from my rear end, but let me say it's a pleasure to be listened to, even if you don't mean it."
"Ha-ha sir, Very funny. Have another Campari."
"Don't mind if I do. Let me just fold up this G3 and put it back in its
case. I'm sure one of my kids can use it for a couple of years."
"What's that, kids? No games for the Mac, you don't want it?"
Ah well. Never mind. Nice try. Shame innit?
 
Peter Beresford can be reached via www.dynamiclanguage.com
Europe's biggest distance learning company.
He's currently surfing in Brasil, from where he sends this vicious,
partial, unkindly critical, wounding, rant. 7 years as a Mac-based business
